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Oh no, is she talking about teenage Simba again? (Photo courtesy FOX)


NEW GIRL
FOX | Tuesday | 9:00 p.m.

From what I’ve gathered on the INTERNET, noooone of us were alone in thinking that season three of New Girl was a mega wankfest. Like, apparently that was a WHOLE THING. For that reason, I went into this season four premiere, REAL SCARED, Y’ALL. But guess what? It was HYSTERICAL. Sex fist! Hoof hands! I mean… this felt like a show back on its track.

This was a return to form in a variety of ways — primaaarily for me, there was the little bit between Nick and Schmidt about having a potential four-way with two hot ladies, after the gang all pledged to bone at a wedding they attended. This was classic old New Girl and it was magical. It (the four-way!) didn’t happen because Nick has HOOVES for hands! What! (Nick would like us to clarify here that he was only going to involve one hand in the four-way, and that he was only gonna do it to help Schmidt deal with Cece breaking up with her boyf. JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR.) I need Nick and Schmidt’s friendship to always be firin’ like THIS, dig?

Jess fighting with Jessica Biel over a moderately cute dude at said wedding was already pretty great — especially when Jess’ list of her true self-ness came out, revealing sexual feelings for “teenage Simba,” and her first crush being on a Batman cake. I mean, huh? But, amaze.

One question/problem I had, though, as I joyfully watched the gang all happy and shizz at the end, gleefully ripping those damn wedding invitations off of the refrigerator (because, OMG, somebody really needed to clean that up) — are these people really such tight bros that they all get invited to the same weddings? Like, a) do they even hang out with anyone outside of their circle and b) am I really supposed to believe that they go to weddings in a group on the regular? I MEANNNN…

J/k… details… details…

Final thought: Bets on when a new looove interest for Nick or Jess will appear and THROW EVERYTHING INTO A WEIRD PLACE AND RUIN THIS?

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Danny’s Red Specs 4 Eva. (Photo courtesy FOX)


THE MINDY PROJECT
FOX | Tuesday | 9:30 p.m.

Anddddddd, we’re back! Hello, Fall TV season! Goodbye, pitiful pile of Extant Leftovers! LIFE RETURNS TO NORMAL. Or, anyway, Tuesdays do…

When last we left our pals at Shulman & Associates, things were TOTES TWISTIN’ ALL ABOUT, the end of which saw Mindy and Danny finnnnnnally getting their happy ending (happy beginning, really) and makin’ out WHILE LYING DOWN on the observation deck at the Empire State Building (nope, can’t get over them laying on the ground. GERMS GUYS GERMS). So now — MANDY LIVES! It’s real, it’s SO real, and it’s… not without its troubles. Let’s tread a careful line here, k, writers? Cuz I don’t want insecurities to run rampant EVERY week, y’know? I don’t want every week to feel like THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF MANDY, mmk? Let’s let things JUST WORK some weeks. Cool? I meeean, who can really resist a storyline about Mindy being insecure over a pink thong in Danny’s drawer, only to find out that he was a stripper to pay his way through med school? I MEAN I’M OK WITH IT THIS WEEK. Just don’t make a habit of it. And next time, please let Danny get further into his post-fight strip tease…… THAT’S AN ORDER.

Elsewhere, Peter and Jeremy fought over that SNOOZEFEST of a GF of Peter’s, who allowed Jeremy to give her a back rub AND THEN SOME. Peter, you can do better! You hardly ever do, but those are your personal LIFE CHOICES, BRO! Do what you want! Feel what you feel! DUMP THAT GIRL AND WEAR THAT TIARA WITH PRIDE. (Sorry, just love Peter so much. Like, remember, I was pro Peter-Mindy for a sec there.) (……………..errr… I might still be into it.)

Morgan provided comic relief. Tamra continued to be a really bizarrely overlooked stereotype that’s WAY more insulting and hard to watch than I think anyone on the creative team realizes (like, really, what is happening here?). Beverly had tickets to a execution. Just a normal day ‘round the office…

It’s good to be back, eh?

Final thought: And by that I mean, THANK YOU MINDY FOR BEING BACK IN MY TUESDAY LIFE NEVER LEAVE ME IT’S BEEN SO TERRIBLE WITHOUT YOU.

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DUBBLE BUBBLE FIZZERS

In all fairness, it’s gonna forever be tough for ANY gum claiming to fizzzzz like soda pop to best THEE top dog of all things terrifying gum, SUPER COLA GUM (<— three years ago?! how’d we all get so old, gum pals??). I mean, that stuff. That stuff was the craziest of my many gum experiences. IT OVERWHELMED MY WHOLE BRAIN. And I only tried it once! Then I tried it on unsuspecting coworkers! IT SCARED EVERYONE. But it was a lil’ bit magical, just for its ability to reeeally WOW, y’know?

How’s Dubble Bubble stack up? Not bad! I had low expectations. Like, real low. I figured this thing would tickle the tongue and then pretty much “fizzle” out. Nope! It legit fizzes, simulating the sensation akin to, like, a natural soda. Nothing too big. Maybe a soda that you’ve poured into a glass and let sit for a second. You know what I mean? Not eyes-watering-and-blinking soda experience. But, like, OH-SODA! Or something. There’s an intriiiguing bubbling affect happening fo sho.

Necessary? Not in any way. Fun? Yeppp. 

What you’re left with AFTER the sizzle is just boring old bubble gum (the bad kind, outta a gum ball machine), which lasts for mere moments before being completely unchewable. BUT COME FOR THE NOVELTY! You won’t be disappointed. (Or, like, only momentarily, anyway…)

Flavor Strength: 8
Comments: Mostly high marks for the crazy effect. But there are twelve seconds of good gum flavor here, too.

Flavor Endurance: 2
Comments: I meeean, no.

Final thought: BRB, scraping this sugar off my teeth.

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Pause for awkward sponsor plug. (Photo courtesy The CW)


AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
The CW | Monday | 9:00 p.m.

I’m so into this season of Top Model that I set the thing to record on my DVR last night. (!!!) I’m no longer a casual observer. I am IN this thing. How did this happen? Why is this my life? DID THE SUMMER TV SCHEDULE REALLY BUM ME OUT THIS MUCH? I vote “yes,” but really it’s hard to say what is happening…

At any rate, having missed the first season with dudesss in it, this whole concept is VERY entertaining. I think MAYBE one of the reasons I’ve been so drawn into it is that it’s like a SUPER-SIZED version of The Real World… but with models! (Which, let’s face it, most of those Real World cast members were anyway…) I mean, people are sleeping around and showering together just a few weeks in, they are drinking heavily, they are yelling at each other, questioning their sexuality, PRACTICING WITCH CRAFT! It’s like the ’90s! (Errrr, uhhhh, wait, witch craft whatttttt.)

Few things I wanna toss out observationally at this point…

1 — Kari (who I just wanted to call “Kira,” cuz… ehhhh) had one of the roughest makeovers. I mean, tell her that looking like an alien is GREAT FOR MODELLING, but she still looks like an alien, y’know? Thank goodness she wasn’t sent home or else she mighta had a breakdown.

2 — ROMEO. What is happening? I’m all about the weirdos who don’t fit and play by their own rules, but I also feel like since the show is so heavily tied to social media scores for REAL SCORES (which, um, as a Top Model fan of yore, I take serious issue here, guyz), you gotta be LIKED BY THE PEOPLE! And last I checked, practicing witchcraft and wanting to make voodoo dolls of your fellow cast members, all while NOT being the stroooongest model in the house… was cause for some trouble…

3 — That beard weave. Like, that’s all I want to say. But also, REALLY? Okay, done.

3.5 — As far as makeovers go? Kiiiinda diggin’ Shei’s. Never noticed her before this week really, but her attitude and go get ‘em-ness is admirable.

4 — This defs felt like The Real World tonight during that scene where Matthew had to endure some small-minded bogusness from his housemates about him kissing Will. I’m with Will, double-u-tee-eff was that? This is what’s really happening out there, apparently. You surround yourself with people who are open and understanding and beyond this BS and then you see this kind of thing happen and it’s like, AWHUUUUU? It blew my mind. Unite a bunch of people from different backgrounds and with different family ideologies and experiences, though, and WHOA. Keep on openin’ minds, Matthew — you a breath of fresh air! (Also, Will <3)

Definitely bummed to see Chantelle go, because it was so great to see someone with a little extra to offer in these photos — but were they anywhere near the best ones in the batch… any of the weeks? Nahhh. 

Front runners? Ben. Will. Lenox? Raelia?

Final thought: Who’s your fave (AND LEAST FAVE) so far?

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Still pretty worried ‘bout this little bugger. (Photo courtesy HBO)


THE LEFTOVERS
HBO | Sunday | 10:00 p.m.

Ohhhh, The Leftovers! You wound us through ten weeks of thee most depressing sadness on television, only to end on a HAPPY HOPEFUL NOTE? I’m so baffled by you that it actually feels preeetty on-point. Feels confusing and abrupt and uncomfortable, but also sorta validating after all the investment in meandering existentialism and symbolism and omg-my-head-feels-like-its-gonna-burst-ismisms you’ve used on us! A final “Gfwupbuwahhh where did thaaat come from?” to all your viewers at home! Color me impressed. 

I guess there had to be SOME way for this thing to continue into another season, eh? There had to be SOME way for us to wanna hold out hope for good stuff for these people. There had to be SOME glimmer of hope in this NEVER-ENDING PILE OF SADNESS. It just felt so… obvious? After all this time? Didn’t it wrap up kinda nicely? Like, couldn’t we have done this a little sooner? And what about Kevin losing his marbles? And what about Wayne’s magical powers? (And did they grant Kevin his wish? Which perhaps was for a, like, FAMILY AGAIN? … In which case… yes?) AND WHAT ABOUT NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC?!?!?!!??!!!!!

All that to say… this ep was super compelling and a really beautiful end to a season that has been a mess of highs and lows. That scene where Nora screamed in silence was perfection. The scene between Kevin and Wayne, whooftie. The scene of the Guilty Remnant’s cul de sac on fire! Maaaan. There was a lot of good stuff here. This show’s got style in spades, amirite?

In the end, we’re left still with a lot of questions, yesss — but weren’t you left also feeling like maybe this conclusion was enough somehow? The GR has been torn to parts (and as ugly and violent as that all was, wasn’t it SOME validation for how painfully irritating these damn people have been all season? I mean nobody deserves this volume of violence, but a few of those people DID deserve slaps in the faaace.), all those damn Loved Ones are gone (or hopefully most of ‘em!! AHHHH those things are terrifying!) Nora has a new beginning, Kevin and Jill are re-united and maybe even a lil’ on the same page, and Laurie… well, Laurie is a question mark — helping to save her daughter by breaking her silence and then reuniting near the cemetery with her son at ep’s end — but how much did we care about Laurie anyway? (No offense to Amy Brenneman, who has absolutely stolen the acting show each week, in my opinion. This woman is amazing.) My unanswered questions don’t seem that important to me anymore…

Time will tell what next season holds, but for nowww, I feel like my (season-long) need for something GOOD TO HAPPEN has been understood (!), and Kevin’s mental illness has been completely swept under the rug (after that unfortunately awkward interaction with Patti, omggg), and e’erybody can just be HAPPY until next summer/season. Right? Right? YAY!  A+ season finale.

Final thought: Your turrrn… Weigh in. Whaddya think of the season finale?

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Already miss you, girl. (Photo courtesy VH1)


CANDIDLY NICOLE
VH1 | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

"Justtt figuring out how to close by left eye."

Nicole Richie, I will miss your weekly dose of silliness. I genuinely think you are a GEM. Once we all got over the fact that this was, like, a rehearsed version of reality (oxymoronic?), it was kinda fun, right? Right? Is there any echo in here? Are you there, TV gods? It’s me, TV&GAA! 

Okay, okay. Let’s not go overboard. But Candidly Nicole WAS a nice mental break each week, with Nicole Richie being the silliest little host of a sitcom-like goofy show featuring her buddies and fam. This was not “reality TV.” This was far more like a sitcom. There was zero home life featured and there were no activities having to do with her actual work life or business. BUT, she’s still sassy. She’s still as hilariously irreverent as she was in those Simple Life days, but nowww she’s healthy and mature(ish) and a lil more wise. I’m into it.

I’m also super into her hair colors, which I’ve been secretly plotting to undertake in the coming weeks…

Final thought: I died a little inside each week when my Candidly Nicole recording lead into that Leann Rimes show… Omg, shudder…

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But these guys… (Photo courtesy of FX)


MARRIED
FX | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

FYIz, I’m still totally in love with Married. Watching every week, obsessed with this couple’s love for one another and their random shows of support, and tooootally relieved that there are, like, zero kids on the show. (Basically.) This week’s ep, featuring a gnarred out Ike Barinholtz, wasn’t quiiiite as thrilling as they come, but it managed again to serve up what this show has in spades — tender reality.

While on a date in their old stomping grounds, Lina and Russ took a trip down memory lane — visiting their old fave restaurant, bemoaning the loss of Russ’s surf shop, and coming face to face with his old partner. In the end, all they wanted to do was steal that longboard and get the hell back to the Valley. Cuz these two are unhappy in married life, but you see every week in their faces that they wouldn’t change it. I’m totally obsessed with Judy Greer and Nat Faxon’s natural chemistry and how wonderfully they complement one another in those quiet little knowing looks they give. It’s preeeetty great.

Where I hit the skids a little here is the supporting cast. When I’m not being forced to pick Paul Reiser over Jenny Slate (I mean, what?), I’m dealing with the odd activities of A.J., which I could haaandle if they in any way resembled REALITY. I mean, showing up to the funeral of your ex’s new husband’s grandmother is one thing (and I could just stop there), but GIVING A TOAST? Too much for this half hour of otherwise-(mostly)reality…

Final thought: I can’t seem to find anyone in my friend circle who is watching this. :/ Is anyone? Are you? What do you think?

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JUICY FRUIT BUBBLE GUM

Honest question — was there DEMAND for a bubble gum version of Juicy Fruit? I mean, did someone NEED THIS IN THEIR LIFE? I’ll give you that the Juicy Fruit revamp of a few years back — wherein these wizards made a Juicy Fruit that housed flavor lasting in excess of five seconds, MAGIC — was necessary. I’d point out that the flavor is not 100% that original awesomeness (there’s something a lil’ too LOUD about the revamped version’s flavor, like it’s missing the rounded edge of the classic?), but I GET IT. GUM FLAVOR NEEDS TO LAST AND JUICY FRUIT WAS ALWAYS BUT A GLIMPSE OF GREATNESS. 

Still, bubble gum? Do we need to blur these lines? DO WE NEED EVERYTHING TO BLOW GIANT BUBBLES?

Maaaybe we do… I like a bubble! I have been known to buy a pack of bubble gum and for it to LIFT MY MOOD on the right day (true story — but I’m a gum nerd, remember). That being said, I find most bubble gum to be a little overwhelming — flavor is too big and bold, and the SIZE of most bubble gum pieces is just WHOA HUGE. (The better to blow big bubbles with, my dear! Yeah, whatever…) Juicy Fruit’s brand-busting BUBBLE GUM is, unfortch, of the too-big and the PREEEEETTY LOUD flavor variety. 

Wah wah………

(I’M BEING VAGUE. I’m gonna give this a thumbs down based on the fact that it’s TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. But I will also acknowledge that Juicy Fruit fans may be into it… SORRY I CAN’T COMMIT EITHER WAY.)

Flavor Strength: 10
Comments: Same ol’ J Fruit, with a litttttttle blast of bubble gum when ya least expect it…

Flavor Endurance: 8
Comments: Once you hit rubber phase, things change a lil’, but part of this gum’s eerie vibes are because of the never-ending flavor… IT JUST CAN’T BE REAL JUICY FRUIT.

Final thought: Seriously, what is the point of these giant pieces? So much WORK chewin’ this thing, amirite?

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But they’re doing that math wrong… (Photo courtesy FX)


MARRIED
FX | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

Man oh man oh man oh man oh maaaaan, I love this show. Every single week there is SOMETHING on this show that makes me love it all over again, and MORE THAN BEFORE. Its basic premise is SO tiresome and old and DONE TEN THOUSAND TIMES (I mean, I KNOW!) — Hello, CBS? Somebody stole that naggy-wife/dumb-ass husband concept that you sold to audiences 1,000 times in that late ’90s/early ’00s era of life (Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Still Standing, Yes, Dear, omg) — but THIS is so awesome and hip and REAL feeling… and that is to say it’s both MEGA-bummy and MEGA-refreshing, all at once. And more often than not, it feels downright HOPEFUL.

At first watch, I wasn’t sure I could handle Judy Greer’s constant nagging and putting down of her slightly-more-youthful husband. The episode wherein she told him to sleep with other people because she wasn’t fulfilling his needs was, in particular, a little hard to watch. But then, ohhh… the strength of the writing and Greer’s FACE create these moments where this woman is so, so great. She’s trying SO hard, and she has such love for her husband, and you can just SEE it ALL the time. Even in her many eye-rolls. It’s delightful.

And Nat Faxon. This guy. I suffered through a few eps of Ben & Kate and really, really couldn’t take him. (I couldn’t even FORM AN OPINION, I was so lost). But damn he’s good here. He’s PERFECT, in fact. He’s the scene-stealer every single week, and GOD when he got into that “Sample Room” at the doc’s office and overheard the dad and daughter team doing math in the lobby in last night’s episode? EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT. And everything that happened after it. He’s just a wonder to behold, and he’s found his PERFECT right spot. 

Seriously, thank you, FX.

Now if only we could sort out a way to make this all work while I don’t have to hate Jenny Slate’s character, thennn it’d be a alllllll-around win. (Cuz Paul Reiser is SO likeable here!)

Final thought: HOWEVER, I can’t get over the fact that Nat Faxon’s name is about the least flow-y name EVER. I also can absolutely never remember it. Nat Faxon Nat Faxonnn, NAT FaxoN. So weird, right?

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AND THERE ARE SONGS. (Photo courtesy IFC)


GARFUNKEL & OATES
IFC | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

My Thursday nights have turned into reeeal delightful TV nights. I transition from Candidly Nicole, to Garfunkel & Oates, to Married, and it’s like the best night of half-hour shows whose commercials I have to fast-forward through EVER. I LOVE IT! I’m not obligated to my TV for hours, I get in and outta there pretty darn quick, and all three of them hold such fun little delights for me!

HOORAY TV! HOORAY LIFE!

But really. Garfunkel & Oates is finally on our television screens and it’s just perfect. It’s a little goofy, and it’s a little too BIG acting-wise… but it’s all part of the dealio! (Although, like, the guest stars are all acting normally, have you noticed? Is it part of the schtick that the lead characters are the blissfully clueless, wide-eyed over-actors? I’D HAVE TO GUESS SO.)

Each week I watch this and think to myself how much it’s exactly how me and my roommate talk to one another. Dumb stuff, related to one another in a caring way (mostly), and to the outside world, a wooooorld unto itself, full of confusion and half-told stories and knowing looks. Tonight’s episode was a great example — the two gals devised a plan to see if “pulling a Little Mermaid” would work to their advantage on the dating circuit. They didn’t speak through a few of their dates with new dudes to varying results — the guy dating the tall, leggy blonde was AOK with her voice (for a sec), and the guy dating the non-traditional short girl… ended up thinking she was mentally slow. SO MANY OF US ARE LIVING THIS LIFE. I’M SO SHORT, GUYS. Honestly, though. The charm here is in the relationship between these two girls, as they relate to one another and STRUGGLE to relate with the outside world. It’s perfect.

And so was tonight’s cameo by Ashley Johnson because, OMG, where you been girl?

AND THERE ARE SONGS. Win-freakin’-win.

Final thought: SONGS. Best thing ever, or best thing EVER?

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alwaysinlovewithtelevision answered: I watched the first episode, but I don’t like being confused for too long. It’s why I stopped watching Resurrection as well.

I get it. This thing is bulky and windy and ooooooooooof it’s a bit of a trek. That’s LARGELY why I’m concerned that it’s going in a way that’s a lil’ too freaky for me… I want all of the work I’m putting in to be WORTH IT, dangit! Never tried the remnants, but daaang I love Samaire Armstrong. Might try to track that down… (Yes, that’s a holdover from her O.C. days… Le sigh.)


sleepywitness reblogged this from tvandgumareawesome and added: You’re confused? No. I’m confused, but in the best possible way.  This show is totally unpredictable and that is a treat.  I never would have guessed that the Security guy would be Molly’s ally. Even though I suspected that the gym rat boyfriend was bad news, I didn’t have him pegged as a extremist nut .And as for your rambling points about Ethan, I feel exactly the same way, with the same confused, what is wrong with my robot sweetie pie fears.

Whoa, me ramble? :) I’m kind of annoyed that the gym boyfriend is a thing? Like, I don’t really feel the need to give Julie a storyline? I don’t like Julie? (Why don’t I like Julie?) The security guy was DEF a surprise, I loved that. And lil’ Ethan… What is it about this kiddo? I kind of think it’s just that wide-eyed look he has. Even when he’s being a little eeevil, I still feel like he’s a sweetheart! (HE’S GOT ME. I WILL NOT SEE THE ARMY COMING.)


aprilf00l answered: So enjoying the show! Loving the characters, especially Ethan and Kern.

Even though I definitely just had to Google Kern, we are def on the same page! ETHAN!!


Thanks for reading!

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Everyone put on their most uncomfortableee face. (Photo courtesy CBS)


EXTANT
CBS | Wednesday | 9:00 p.m.

Ughhh, I was afraid this was gonna happen. Ol’ Extant has gone into full-on alien-baby/substance/virus/whatever-the-hell mode and things are getting craaazy, and I’m sitting on my couch absentmindedly losing my focus and then like “whaaaaaa?” AND FOR TWO HOURS. I mean„ I think I’m still on the right track — alien-baby-whatever is in a tank in the basement, old-man bad-guy is being affected by its poooowers in that he’s seeing his dead daughter around, while young-man bad-guy-who-is-really-good(-maybe) is helping Molly and The White Knight Guy from Sex & The City figure out DOUBLE U TEE EFF is happening. And Molly wants to hang with alien-beebs to see what he WANTS FROM HER. And also that billionaire guy is dying and needs whatever the Aruna ship was supposed to get from space but couldn’t… And there are little circle designs EVERYWHERE. 

I MEAN IT’S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE.

Thing is, though… that preview for next week. Like, the alien-substance has the ability to bring people back from the D-E-A-D? I dunno, guys. I dunno cuz that just seems kinda hokey-lame, and also because I don’t want Marcus to ruin Molly and John’s relaysh.

SEE, for us non-geeks, this show is really about FAMILY AND PALS (just like Molly says during the intro voice over every week — THIS IS A STORY ABOUT FAMILY!). And Molly and John? John is like the greatest. Poor dude is dealing with SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. The robot-kid he created has somehow locked him out of his programming, and all the while his wife is running off to sacrifice herself in the name of communicating with a life-form planted in her by mad scientists WHILE IN SPACE (or whatever, I forget how that actually went down…). John is like a RIDICULOUSLY supportive partner. Like, he needs to be less supportive. Homeboy needs to sometimes be like “I’M STRESSED.” You see it on his face, but omggg, he just is forever rolling with the punches and being friendly about it. (He’s a treat, really, but whoa! I’m tired just thinking about his elevated heart rate.)

AND THAT ROBOT KID? I love Ethan. In fact, I’m pretty sure Ethan is, at this point, 85% of the reason I’m still watching the show. I am, basically, prepared to beat that Odin guy DOWN TO THE GROUND if he hurts a fake-hair on this little robot’s head. HOWEVER. Ethan is getting creepy as fuuuuuuu. When little dude eyed that robot in the garage that they brought home from the park? I *actually* yelled in my apartment living room, “HE’S BUILDING AN ARMY, GUYS!” Sadly, these fools aren’t gonna pay attention until it’s too late… and maybe that’s great, cuz poor lil’ Ethan is gonna NEED that army once he has to deal with this accent-y bloke dating his dad’s co-worker, riiiiight? 

ALL HAIL ETHAN! (Except not, cuz yikes.)

Final thought: Are you still watching Extant? Are you similarly concerned that it’s going down a… certain… like… questionable path about alien viruses and bringing people back from the dead and… like… maybe gonna end up stupid? And, can we talk about these painfully long two-hour episode blocks?

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Brain, what you got me into THIS TIME? (Photo courtesy HBO)


THE LEFTOVERS
HBO | Sunday | 10:00 p.m.

Awww, Purpose. Something to liiiiiive for! Something to diiiiiiie for! That’s all e’erybody wants, Mistah Garvey! …………………………………….. PURPOSE! It’s all so siiiiimple, guyyyys!

Errrrr, uhhhhh, EXCEPT IT’S NOT AT ALL. I mean… What a wacky mess this is, eh? I haven’t been writing about The Leftovers too much because it makes my brain hurt quite enough as it is. But things are getting so, so crazy, and we’re so near the end of this ride that… whoa. We oughta check in with each other…

First of all, this poor guy Garvey is just taking a hell of a beating. I feel so bad for him that it’s to a point that’s hard to watch. One week his crazy wife is divorcing him, the next his schizophrenic father is escaping from his care facility to tell him — in a variety of scattered ways — that it’s time for him to open his eyes (???), and the NEXT he’s in a cabin with a wackadoo who decides to kill herself. I get that something heavy is happening in Kevin’s mind, and that it needs some attention, and he’s off his meds and things are escalating. But also, just, like, how much does one guy have to take? His stress level stresses ME out (so much)! All the while his daughter’s sleazy pal is wandering around his house with no bra on and there’s a rabid dog tied up in his driveway!!!!!! (And also, like, REALLY no one has called to complain about that GD dog? Don’t believe it…).

SO PATTI. Kevin and his buddy Dean — who I thought was maybs a figment of Kev’s brain but appears to be real, since he’s interacting with other people now… though the jury is out on his mental capacity after he chatted with the air tonight briefly, errrrr — kidnapped and beat Patti and tied her up in a cabin, all at Kevin’s suggestion… while he was sleepwalking/having a fit. Well, well, well… Kevin is horrified, Dean tries to help and then — preeetty exasperatingly for a crazy guy, right? — is all “We’re friends but your indecision is too much for me.” Kevin can’t even keep crazy friends! Patti lays it out — Kevin’s wife didn’t leave him because of his infidelity, she left because the Guilty Remnant offers its members PURPOSE in life. Rather than, you know, just existing in a world that can swallow its members whole on a random day in October, dig? She also unleashes a truth-tell about being responsible for Gladys’ death (boom!), alludes to the fact that Laurie could be next (Boom!), and then juuust as Kevin is cutting her free… she stabs her neck with a piece of broken glass! (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

Errr, uhhhhhhhhhh. I scared.

And how scary is Laurie getting these days? That whole thing with Liv Tyler starting to talk again (because Liv Tyler is clearly the only person besides me who is like, “If we’re communicating with all these goddamn NOTES, we may as well just SPEAK anyway!”), and Laurie hitting her! And Laurie sitting in Patti’s chair… like, before anybody knows that they are without a leader? Laurie is gettin’ coooooold. She breaks slightly at the sight of Jill in the doorway at the end… but then a wee bit of satisfaction flashed, did it not? Eyurghhhh.

………Stuff about Nora’s gun and that awkward meal and Matt trying to make the GR feel bad by mentioning shizz about their family members…… (Basically the format of the show is to have several uninteresting things happening amid the interesting thing, amirite? COUGHCOUGHTOMMYCOUGHCOUGH)

SO THEN WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THESE LOVED ONES? The GR stole all of those photos so that they could order Loved Ones and dress the people up to look like themselves in the photos… to either a) give their family members some peace or b) further traumatize everyone? I AM SICK JUST THINKING OF THE POSSIBILITIES. Maybe their intentions are pure? But at this point, and with all of the enemies they’ve made… Where would that get them anyway?

WHERE IS IT ALL GOING? When will Kevin’s inevitable psychotic break come? When will he figure out what the heeeeeell is going on? And with a season two coming… What does that mean for a season one resolution? I mean… How long can this madness go on?

Side note: I found myself on the streets of Oakland a couple weeks back, chatting with a heavily “influenced” stranger and somehow The Leftovers came up, and he proceeded to jump up and down explaining his shock over the episode in which Nora was “hugged” by Wayne. “Like, all of a sudden THAT’S A REAL THING?” I shouted! “I KNOW, WHAT IS THAT? NO WAY!” he replied. And then we hugged.

Final thought: Are you watching this? LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS A LOT. Whaddya think? And how freakin’ awesome is Ann Dowd ALL THE TIME?

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Don’t even bother with him, he a ROBOT. (Photo courtesy CBS)


EXTANT
CBS | Wednesday | 10:00 p.m.

Guysss, is Extant about to go super duper sci-fi on us?! Like, I realize that so far this show is basically about a lady PREGNANT WITH AN ALIEN and also a COUPLE RAISING A ROBOT AS A CHILD, but it’s had so much REALness mixed in with the weird. Now that that baby is outta Molly, I feel like we’re going full cyborg in that laboratory, you know? We’re gonna cross the point of no return. I FEAR THE FUTURE.

This week’s ep felt a little sluggish for a few reasons, primaaarily because with the “baby”/potential-cyborg-demon-spawn-terrifying-abomination out of Molly — by a potentially corrupt doc played by the guy from SPORTS NIGHT! (No, not that guy! NO, not that guy! Knock knock, who’s there — THIS GUY!) — the story revolving around them was kinda zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I mean, I was as worried about Ethan as much as e’erybody else (and he’s okay! Though I suspect that’s more of a “He’s okayyyyyy…”), but beyond that Molly and her hub were just yelling at people and looking confused. And the creepy Single White Female vibes on John’s assistant (who I just always want to call “Ol’ Meryl’s Daughter”) are starting to FREAK ME OUT. Is she going to STEAL ETHAN AWAY? Is she going to beat Molly senseless with her robot legs? AM I BEING INSENSITIVE SHE SCARES ME I HAVE NO FILTER.

Thennn we got these little tiny peeks at the BAD PEOPLE, in their fancy shmancy labs working on THE THING THEY REMOVED FROM MOLLY’S STOMACH. Did anyone else think it more than a lil’ cruel that they left both Molly and Robot Baybee alone in the woods after the attack? I mean, have a heart! Her brain is real fragile! 

At ep’s end, Random Researcher told That Guy Who Always Plays Villians that “it’s a boy.” And it LOOKS like a normal lil’ baby but… WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL IS IT REALLY? Camryn Manheim don’t even know… ‘bout to get real crazy up in here, guyyyys…

Final thought: Can I put in a request for this to be moved up to 9:00 p.m.? Sometimes I just really want to be done blogging at a respectable hour, y’know?

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Pictured: Average chicken farmer. (Photo courtesy VH1)


CANDIDLY NICOLE
VH1 | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

'Bout to lose some cred right here. 'Bout to make you question EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND LOVE ABOUT THIS DUMB BLOG. Ready? Confession: I secretly, seriously seeeriously love Nicole Richie. Like, legit love. LIKE, I used to watch The Simple Life and just want to hang with her. She’s not dumb! She’s clever. Deceptively witty! She’s the kind of loud and obnoxious that’s so genuine and GREAT! SHE’S A LIKABLE GAL, OKAY?! I completely and totally get why you wouldn’t like her, but I DO. ACTUALLY NO I DON’T GET IT. SHE’S SO GREAT.

(I also used you to watch Ashlee Simpson’s reality show, since we’re confessing things we shouldn’t. YOU KNOW YOU DID TOO.)

THAT SAID and WITH MY DEEP LOVE OF NICOLE IN PLACE… I find Candidly Nicole COMPLETELY and TOTALLY disappointing. This thing is so staged and ridiculous! Are the other people even real humans? They feel like actors! Everything feels verrryyy phoney, right down to — GOD FORBID BECAUSE IT’S SUCH AN AWFUL THOUGHT — Nicole’s every word. This week reeeally killed it for me as she paraded around those moms who were so clearly saying things real precisely and phoney-like. Such a bummer. I was prepared for this to be my favorite thing of the summer. (Desperate times…)

How great would a show about Nicole in the real world be? How great would it be to see that she’s still the same frank, outspoken lil’ gal she was wayyy back in the day? (We’re seeing that, yes, but in these mega-rehearsed and perfectly delivered canned moments…) Even though she’s dealing with being a REAL ADULT now? I mean, THAT’S THE SHOW I WANTED TO SEE. I didn’t want to see her being a jackass in front of her little sister’s friends. I didn’t want to see her being a jackass at a school-moms party. I JUST WANT THE REAL NICOLE.

(The real Nicole does, in fact, make a few appearances — the wine sitch in the grocery store last week, and the whole mess with the glasses-buying… totally entertaining. MORE OF THESE THINGS, PLZ.)

Final thought: The show HAS, however, completely inspired me to dye my hair this shade of purple. I MEAN IT’S SO GREAT. Yes/No?

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