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JUICY FRUIT BUBBLE GUM

Honest question — was there DEMAND for a bubble gum version of Juicy Fruit? I mean, did someone NEED THIS IN THEIR LIFE? I’ll give you that the Juicy Fruit revamp of a few years back — wherein these wizards made a Juicy Fruit that housed flavor lasting in excess of five seconds, MAGIC — was necessary. I’d point out that the flavor is not 100% that original awesomeness (there’s something a lil’ too LOUD about the revamped version’s flavor, like it’s missing the rounded edge of the classic?), but I GET IT. GUM FLAVOR NEEDS TO LAST AND JUICY FRUIT WAS ALWAYS BUT A GLIMPSE OF GREATNESS. 

Still, bubble gum? Do we need to blur these lines? DO WE NEED EVERYTHING TO BLOW GIANT BUBBLES?

Maaaybe we do… I like a bubble! I have been known to buy a pack of bubble gum and for it to LIFT MY MOOD on the right day (true story — but I’m a gum nerd, remember). That being said, I find most bubble gum to be a little overwhelming — flavor is too big and bold, and the SIZE of most bubble gum pieces is just WHOA HUGE. (The better to blow big bubbles with, my dear! Yeah, whatever…) Juicy Fruit’s brand-busting BUBBLE GUM is, unfortch, of the too-big and the PREEEEETTY LOUD flavor variety. 

Wah wah………

(I’M BEING VAGUE. I’m gonna give this a thumbs down based on the fact that it’s TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. But I will also acknowledge that Juicy Fruit fans may be into it… SORRY I CAN’T COMMIT EITHER WAY.)

Flavor Strength: 10
Comments: Same ol’ J Fruit, with a litttttttle blast of bubble gum when ya least expect it…

Flavor Endurance: 8
Comments: Once you hit rubber phase, things change a lil’, but part of this gum’s eerie vibes are because of the never-ending flavor… IT JUST CAN’T BE REAL JUICY FRUIT.

Final thought: Seriously, what is the point of these giant pieces? So much WORK chewin’ this thing, amirite?

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But they’re doing that math wrong… (Photo courtesy FX)


MARRIED
FX | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

Man oh man oh man oh man oh maaaaan, I love this show. Every single week there is SOMETHING on this show that makes me love it all over again, and MORE THAN BEFORE. Its basic premise is SO tiresome and old and DONE TEN THOUSAND TIMES (I mean, I KNOW!) — Hello, CBS? Somebody stole that naggy-wife/dumb-ass husband concept that you sold to audiences 1,000 times in that late ’90s/early ’00s era of life (Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Still Standing, Yes, Dear, omg) — but THIS is so awesome and hip and REAL feeling… and that is to say it’s both MEGA-bummy and MEGA-refreshing, all at once. And more often than not, it feels downright HOPEFUL.

At first watch, I wasn’t sure I could handle Judy Greer’s constant nagging and putting down of her slightly-more-youthful husband. The episode wherein she told him to sleep with other people because she wasn’t fulfilling his needs was, in particular, a little hard to watch. But then, ohhh… the strength of the writing and Greer’s FACE create these moments where this woman is so, so great. She’s trying SO hard, and she has such love for her husband, and you can just SEE it ALL the time. Even in her many eye-rolls. It’s delightful.

And Nat Faxon. This guy. I suffered through a few eps of Ben & Kate and really, really couldn’t take him. (I couldn’t even FORM AN OPINION, I was so lost). But damn he’s good here. He’s PERFECT, in fact. He’s the scene-stealer every single week, and GOD when he got into that “Sample Room” at the doc’s office and overheard the dad and daughter team doing math in the lobby in last night’s episode? EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT. And everything that happened after it. He’s just a wonder to behold, and he’s found his PERFECT right spot. 

Seriously, thank you, FX.

Now if only we could sort out a way to make this all work while I don’t have to hate Jenny Slate’s character, thennn it’d be a alllllll-around win. (Cuz Paul Reiser is SO likeable here!)

Final thought: HOWEVER, I can’t get over the fact that Nat Faxon’s name is about the least flow-y name EVER. I also can absolutely never remember it. Nat Faxon Nat Faxonnn, NAT FaxoN. So weird, right?

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AND THERE ARE SONGS. (Photo courtesy IFC)


GARFUNKEL & OATES
IFC | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

My Thursday nights have turned into reeeal delightful TV nights. I transition from Candidly Nicole, to Garfunkel & Oates, to Married, and it’s like the best night of half-hour shows whose commercials I have to fast-forward through EVER. I LOVE IT! I’m not obligated to my TV for hours, I get in and outta there pretty darn quick, and all three of them hold such fun little delights for me!

HOORAY TV! HOORAY LIFE!

But really. Garfunkel & Oates is finally on our television screens and it’s just perfect. It’s a little goofy, and it’s a little too BIG acting-wise… but it’s all part of the dealio! (Although, like, the guest stars are all acting normally, have you noticed? Is it part of the schtick that the lead characters are the blissfully clueless, wide-eyed over-actors? I’D HAVE TO GUESS SO.)

Each week I watch this and think to myself how much it’s exactly how me and my roommate talk to one another. Dumb stuff, related to one another in a caring way (mostly), and to the outside world, a wooooorld unto itself, full of confusion and half-told stories and knowing looks. Tonight’s episode was a great example — the two gals devised a plan to see if “pulling a Little Mermaid” would work to their advantage on the dating circuit. They didn’t speak through a few of their dates with new dudes to varying results — the guy dating the tall, leggy blonde was AOK with her voice (for a sec), and the guy dating the non-traditional short girl… ended up thinking she was mentally slow. SO MANY OF US ARE LIVING THIS LIFE. I’M SO SHORT, GUYS. Honestly, though. The charm here is in the relationship between these two girls, as they relate to one another and STRUGGLE to relate with the outside world. It’s perfect.

And so was tonight’s cameo by Ashley Johnson because, OMG, where you been girl?

AND THERE ARE SONGS. Win-freakin’-win.

Final thought: SONGS. Best thing ever, or best thing EVER?

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alwaysinlovewithtelevision answered: I watched the first episode, but I don’t like being confused for too long. It’s why I stopped watching Resurrection as well.

I get it. This thing is bulky and windy and ooooooooooof it’s a bit of a trek. That’s LARGELY why I’m concerned that it’s going in a way that’s a lil’ too freaky for me… I want all of the work I’m putting in to be WORTH IT, dangit! Never tried the remnants, but daaang I love Samaire Armstrong. Might try to track that down… (Yes, that’s a holdover from her O.C. days… Le sigh.)


sleepywitness reblogged this from tvandgumareawesome and added: You’re confused? No. I’m confused, but in the best possible way.  This show is totally unpredictable and that is a treat.  I never would have guessed that the Security guy would be Molly’s ally. Even though I suspected that the gym rat boyfriend was bad news, I didn’t have him pegged as a extremist nut .And as for your rambling points about Ethan, I feel exactly the same way, with the same confused, what is wrong with my robot sweetie pie fears.

Whoa, me ramble? :) I’m kind of annoyed that the gym boyfriend is a thing? Like, I don’t really feel the need to give Julie a storyline? I don’t like Julie? (Why don’t I like Julie?) The security guy was DEF a surprise, I loved that. And lil’ Ethan… What is it about this kiddo? I kind of think it’s just that wide-eyed look he has. Even when he’s being a little eeevil, I still feel like he’s a sweetheart! (HE’S GOT ME. I WILL NOT SEE THE ARMY COMING.)


aprilf00l answered: So enjoying the show! Loving the characters, especially Ethan and Kern.

Even though I definitely just had to Google Kern, we are def on the same page! ETHAN!!


Thanks for reading!

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Everyone put on their most uncomfortableee face. (Photo courtesy CBS)


EXTANT
CBS | Wednesday | 9:00 p.m.

Ughhh, I was afraid this was gonna happen. Ol’ Extant has gone into full-on alien-baby/substance/virus/whatever-the-hell mode and things are getting craaazy, and I’m sitting on my couch absentmindedly losing my focus and then like “whaaaaaa?” AND FOR TWO HOURS. I mean„ I think I’m still on the right track — alien-baby-whatever is in a tank in the basement, old-man bad-guy is being affected by its poooowers in that he’s seeing his dead daughter around, while young-man bad-guy-who-is-really-good(-maybe) is helping Molly and The White Knight Guy from Sex & The City figure out DOUBLE U TEE EFF is happening. And Molly wants to hang with alien-beebs to see what he WANTS FROM HER. And also that billionaire guy is dying and needs whatever the Aruna ship was supposed to get from space but couldn’t… And there are little circle designs EVERYWHERE. 

I MEAN IT’S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE.

Thing is, though… that preview for next week. Like, the alien-substance has the ability to bring people back from the D-E-A-D? I dunno, guys. I dunno cuz that just seems kinda hokey-lame, and also because I don’t want Marcus to ruin Molly and John’s relaysh.

SEE, for us non-geeks, this show is really about FAMILY AND PALS (just like Molly says during the intro voice over every week — THIS IS A STORY ABOUT FAMILY!). And Molly and John? John is like the greatest. Poor dude is dealing with SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. The robot-kid he created has somehow locked him out of his programming, and all the while his wife is running off to sacrifice herself in the name of communicating with a life-form planted in her by mad scientists WHILE IN SPACE (or whatever, I forget how that actually went down…). John is like a RIDICULOUSLY supportive partner. Like, he needs to be less supportive. Homeboy needs to sometimes be like “I’M STRESSED.” You see it on his face, but omggg, he just is forever rolling with the punches and being friendly about it. (He’s a treat, really, but whoa! I’m tired just thinking about his elevated heart rate.)

AND THAT ROBOT KID? I love Ethan. In fact, I’m pretty sure Ethan is, at this point, 85% of the reason I’m still watching the show. I am, basically, prepared to beat that Odin guy DOWN TO THE GROUND if he hurts a fake-hair on this little robot’s head. HOWEVER. Ethan is getting creepy as fuuuuuuu. When little dude eyed that robot in the garage that they brought home from the park? I *actually* yelled in my apartment living room, “HE’S BUILDING AN ARMY, GUYS!” Sadly, these fools aren’t gonna pay attention until it’s too late… and maybe that’s great, cuz poor lil’ Ethan is gonna NEED that army once he has to deal with this accent-y bloke dating his dad’s co-worker, riiiiight? 

ALL HAIL ETHAN! (Except not, cuz yikes.)

Final thought: Are you still watching Extant? Are you similarly concerned that it’s going down a… certain… like… questionable path about alien viruses and bringing people back from the dead and… like… maybe gonna end up stupid? And, can we talk about these painfully long two-hour episode blocks?

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Brain, what you got me into THIS TIME? (Photo courtesy HBO)


THE LEFTOVERS
HBO | Sunday | 10:00 p.m.

Awww, Purpose. Something to liiiiiive for! Something to diiiiiiie for! That’s all e’erybody wants, Mistah Garvey! …………………………………….. PURPOSE! It’s all so siiiiimple, guyyyys!

Errrrr, uhhhhh, EXCEPT IT’S NOT AT ALL. I mean… What a wacky mess this is, eh? I haven’t been writing about The Leftovers too much because it makes my brain hurt quite enough as it is. But things are getting so, so crazy, and we’re so near the end of this ride that… whoa. We oughta check in with each other…

First of all, this poor guy Garvey is just taking a hell of a beating. I feel so bad for him that it’s to a point that’s hard to watch. One week his crazy wife is divorcing him, the next his schizophrenic father is escaping from his care facility to tell him — in a variety of scattered ways — that it’s time for him to open his eyes (???), and the NEXT he’s in a cabin with a wackadoo who decides to kill herself. I get that something heavy is happening in Kevin’s mind, and that it needs some attention, and he’s off his meds and things are escalating. But also, just, like, how much does one guy have to take? His stress level stresses ME out (so much)! All the while his daughter’s sleazy pal is wandering around his house with no bra on and there’s a rabid dog tied up in his driveway!!!!!! (And also, like, REALLY no one has called to complain about that GD dog? Don’t believe it…).

SO PATTI. Kevin and his buddy Dean — who I thought was maybs a figment of Kev’s brain but appears to be real, since he’s interacting with other people now… though the jury is out on his mental capacity after he chatted with the air tonight briefly, errrrr — kidnapped and beat Patti and tied her up in a cabin, all at Kevin’s suggestion… while he was sleepwalking/having a fit. Well, well, well… Kevin is horrified, Dean tries to help and then — preeetty exasperatingly for a crazy guy, right? — is all “We’re friends but your indecision is too much for me.” Kevin can’t even keep crazy friends! Patti lays it out — Kevin’s wife didn’t leave him because of his infidelity, she left because the Guilty Remnant offers its members PURPOSE in life. Rather than, you know, just existing in a world that can swallow its members whole on a random day in October, dig? She also unleashes a truth-tell about being responsible for Gladys’ death (boom!), alludes to the fact that Laurie could be next (Boom!), and then juuust as Kevin is cutting her free… she stabs her neck with a piece of broken glass! (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

Errr, uhhhhhhhhhh. I scared.

And how scary is Laurie getting these days? That whole thing with Liv Tyler starting to talk again (because Liv Tyler is clearly the only person besides me who is like, “If we’re communicating with all these goddamn NOTES, we may as well just SPEAK anyway!”), and Laurie hitting her! And Laurie sitting in Patti’s chair… like, before anybody knows that they are without a leader? Laurie is gettin’ coooooold. She breaks slightly at the sight of Jill in the doorway at the end… but then a wee bit of satisfaction flashed, did it not? Eyurghhhh.

………Stuff about Nora’s gun and that awkward meal and Matt trying to make the GR feel bad by mentioning shizz about their family members…… (Basically the format of the show is to have several uninteresting things happening amid the interesting thing, amirite? COUGHCOUGHTOMMYCOUGHCOUGH)

SO THEN WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THESE LOVED ONES? The GR stole all of those photos so that they could order Loved Ones and dress the people up to look like themselves in the photos… to either a) give their family members some peace or b) further traumatize everyone? I AM SICK JUST THINKING OF THE POSSIBILITIES. Maybe their intentions are pure? But at this point, and with all of the enemies they’ve made… Where would that get them anyway?

WHERE IS IT ALL GOING? When will Kevin’s inevitable psychotic break come? When will he figure out what the heeeeeell is going on? And with a season two coming… What does that mean for a season one resolution? I mean… How long can this madness go on?

Side note: I found myself on the streets of Oakland a couple weeks back, chatting with a heavily “influenced” stranger and somehow The Leftovers came up, and he proceeded to jump up and down explaining his shock over the episode in which Nora was “hugged” by Wayne. “Like, all of a sudden THAT’S A REAL THING?” I shouted! “I KNOW, WHAT IS THAT? NO WAY!” he replied. And then we hugged.

Final thought: Are you watching this? LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS A LOT. Whaddya think? And how freakin’ awesome is Ann Dowd ALL THE TIME?

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Don’t even bother with him, he a ROBOT. (Photo courtesy CBS)


EXTANT
CBS | Wednesday | 10:00 p.m.

Guysss, is Extant about to go super duper sci-fi on us?! Like, I realize that so far this show is basically about a lady PREGNANT WITH AN ALIEN and also a COUPLE RAISING A ROBOT AS A CHILD, but it’s had so much REALness mixed in with the weird. Now that that baby is outta Molly, I feel like we’re going full cyborg in that laboratory, you know? We’re gonna cross the point of no return. I FEAR THE FUTURE.

This week’s ep felt a little sluggish for a few reasons, primaaarily because with the “baby”/potential-cyborg-demon-spawn-terrifying-abomination out of Molly — by a potentially corrupt doc played by the guy from SPORTS NIGHT! (No, not that guy! NO, not that guy! Knock knock, who’s there — THIS GUY!) — the story revolving around them was kinda zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I mean, I was as worried about Ethan as much as e’erybody else (and he’s okay! Though I suspect that’s more of a “He’s okayyyyyy…”), but beyond that Molly and her hub were just yelling at people and looking confused. And the creepy Single White Female vibes on John’s assistant (who I just always want to call “Ol’ Meryl’s Daughter”) are starting to FREAK ME OUT. Is she going to STEAL ETHAN AWAY? Is she going to beat Molly senseless with her robot legs? AM I BEING INSENSITIVE SHE SCARES ME I HAVE NO FILTER.

Thennn we got these little tiny peeks at the BAD PEOPLE, in their fancy shmancy labs working on THE THING THEY REMOVED FROM MOLLY’S STOMACH. Did anyone else think it more than a lil’ cruel that they left both Molly and Robot Baybee alone in the woods after the attack? I mean, have a heart! Her brain is real fragile! 

At ep’s end, Random Researcher told That Guy Who Always Plays Villians that “it’s a boy.” And it LOOKS like a normal lil’ baby but… WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL IS IT REALLY? Camryn Manheim don’t even know… ‘bout to get real crazy up in here, guyyyys…

Final thought: Can I put in a request for this to be moved up to 9:00 p.m.? Sometimes I just really want to be done blogging at a respectable hour, y’know?

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Pictured: Average chicken farmer. (Photo courtesy VH1)


CANDIDLY NICOLE
VH1 | Thursday | 10:00 p.m.

'Bout to lose some cred right here. 'Bout to make you question EVERYTHING YOU KNOW AND LOVE ABOUT THIS DUMB BLOG. Ready? Confession: I secretly, seriously seeeriously love Nicole Richie. Like, legit love. LIKE, I used to watch The Simple Life and just want to hang with her. She’s not dumb! She’s clever. Deceptively witty! She’s the kind of loud and obnoxious that’s so genuine and GREAT! SHE’S A LIKABLE GAL, OKAY?! I completely and totally get why you wouldn’t like her, but I DO. ACTUALLY NO I DON’T GET IT. SHE’S SO GREAT.

(I also used you to watch Ashlee Simpson’s reality show, since we’re confessing things we shouldn’t. YOU KNOW YOU DID TOO.)

THAT SAID and WITH MY DEEP LOVE OF NICOLE IN PLACE… I find Candidly Nicole COMPLETELY and TOTALLY disappointing. This thing is so staged and ridiculous! Are the other people even real humans? They feel like actors! Everything feels verrryyy phoney, right down to — GOD FORBID BECAUSE IT’S SUCH AN AWFUL THOUGHT — Nicole’s every word. This week reeeally killed it for me as she paraded around those moms who were so clearly saying things real precisely and phoney-like. Such a bummer. I was prepared for this to be my favorite thing of the summer. (Desperate times…)

How great would a show about Nicole in the real world be? How great would it be to see that she’s still the same frank, outspoken lil’ gal she was wayyy back in the day? (We’re seeing that, yes, but in these mega-rehearsed and perfectly delivered canned moments…) Even though she’s dealing with being a REAL ADULT now? I mean, THAT’S THE SHOW I WANTED TO SEE. I didn’t want to see her being a jackass in front of her little sister’s friends. I didn’t want to see her being a jackass at a school-moms party. I JUST WANT THE REAL NICOLE.

(The real Nicole does, in fact, make a few appearances — the wine sitch in the grocery store last week, and the whole mess with the glasses-buying… totally entertaining. MORE OF THESE THINGS, PLZ.)

Final thought: The show HAS, however, completely inspired me to dye my hair this shade of purple. I MEAN IT’S SO GREAT. Yes/No?

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Yeahhh, nature’s not a big fan of the unnatural, homez. (Photo courtesy CBS)


EXTANT
CBS | Wednesday | 10:00 p.m.

I am starting to feel things for the little cyborg, guys! Like, he just wanted to skip rocks with his grandpa like a regular boy! And he just wanted to be imperfect like ALL THE HUMANS IN THAT AWFUL BAR! He just wants to be LOVED. (It’s his cyborg-brain trying to act human, you say? SHHHHHH.) When they kidnapped him and zapped him so hard that his system shut down? Well, I may or may not have yelled out a little “Noooooo!” in the general direction of my television. 

THAT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! I was convinced that the kid was the root of all evil and that it didn’t matter what all these other creepy wackadoos were up to because Ethan was gonna swoop in and wipe out existence AT ANY MOMENT! He’s got that terrifying stare, y’dig? Those vacant eyes! (P.S. The little dude playing Ethan is a DYNAMO with blank stares.) But now I feel BAD for the little poo. What an unexpected turn of events…

Elsewhere, Molly has officially been taken because HELLO supportive-nice-husband stuuupidly punched the cyborg-hating cop and landed in jail. Pro-tip: Maybs when you and your pregnant-with-an-alien-babe wife are on the run from crazy scientists you do your best to fly under the radar and NOT hit cops? Just a suggestion. We also met Molly’s dad, who seemed cool with the rock-skippin’, but wound up bein’ kinda a D to Ethan over the whole mess at the bar (gramps, he may be a cyborg, but STILL, taking a cyborg that looks 8 years old to a bar just ain’t right… don’t sit well with me, dude!). For a miiiiinute I definitely thought Ethan was going to kill the guy… but then he was taken from the car and I felt SO BAD FOR HAVING EVEN THOUGHT THAT.

Things just get crazier and crazier here, guysss. Do you think supportive-nice-husband is even legit? I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS BAD. NOW ALL I WANT IS FOR THE ROBOT TO LIVE! Just kidding. Once Molly gets those creepy bumps out of her stomach she can stay too……………

Final thought: What’s the word, guys? Lovin’ or leavin’ Extant?

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PROJECT 7 COCONUT LIME

Sometimes it just takes a weeee trip off the beaten path to find the REALLLL gems out there, eh? True in the real world… DOUBLE TRUE IN THE GUM WORLD? Guys — SO true in the gum world!

I’ve been so down on all of my recent gum purchases, buds. Gross cinnamon roll flavors (still can’t believe that’s a reality that we live with) and stupid strawberries and DRAGON FRUIT (WHAT!) and JELLY BEANS. It’s been a real rough year thus far for GUM DISCOVERIES. But pals… Alas, WINNER ZONE — here is your new bff, and its name is Coconut Lime.

This thing FO’ REAL has it all — spot-on flavor that’s sweet but subtle enough to be mega-tasty, REFRESHING (refreshing!!!), greattttt consistency and just, OMD;FLIASD;JFLASDJF, just generally so ENJOYABLE. I can’t say enough about this gum. It’s the best gum I’ve had in so, so long. (SO LONG! BIG TALK!) Top that off with the fact that just one pellet of the stuff is plenty for a good chew sesh AND that the flavor lasts for IONS. GUM GODS, I’M IN LOVE.

BUT THERE’S MORE. While I’m not mega-wild about the fact that Project 7 — which is, you’ll recall, doin’ good by the gum-chewing world — didn’t come up with a recyclable/compostable package in which to house this, I gotta give REAL BIG MARKS to this pouch concept. Has any other gum company tried this yet? Cuz it’s awesome. Just seal that puppy up and shove it all around in your purse/pocket/bag. It’s preeeeetty ingenious. And you know I dig me some packaging ingenuity

Flavor Strength: 10
Comments: SO STRONG SO GREAT SO MAGIC.

Flavor Endurance: 10
Comments: It keeps going and going and going and going…

Final thought: MOST PLEASANT GUM EXPERIENCE OF RECENT MEMORY. Plz, pals, go out and find this. Order it from the site. IT’S MAGIC IN GUM FORM.

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And who the hell even CARES about these idiots? (Photo courtesy TNT)


MURDER IN THE FIRST
TNT | Monday | 10:00 p.m.

Yessssssssssssssssss, I am still watching. Yessssssssssssss, I still don’t REALLY know why. Yesssssssssssssssssss, I do appreciate that subtle, amazing Taye Diggs smile and MIGHT AGREE THAT THAT’S WHY I’M STILL WATCHING.

Cuz, what? This show. This show is like the most predictable turd ever. I mean, I get that it’s a concept. That we’re taking a case from Point A to Point B and that it’s supposed to be FASCINATING and DIFFERENT and FASCINATINGANDDIFFERENT, but, like, it’s just like every other cop show ‘round, and also SOMETIMES MOM NEEDS AN EXCITING REVELATION OR PLOT TWIST, Y’KNOW?

I’ve been seeeecretly thinking that Erich (and seriously who spells their GD name that way?!) was gonna wind up guilty even though all of my anti-typecasting good thoughts were hoping for the opposite. (Sorry, Draco!) Then, FAUX PLOT TWIST, he was declared innocent. And then, FAUX PLOT TWIST, he admitted his guilt to Cop 1 and Cop 2. (I mean, that says a lot when I don’t know their NAMES. Okay, JK, one is Terry English. Oh! Hildy! Okay…) YAWN DUHHHH. Nothing here has surprised me. And nothing here has been particularly fascinating or interesting OR DIFFERENT.

PLUS THERE WAS NO REASON FOR THE BACKSTORY ABOUT TERRY’S WIFE!!! (I warned you that I’d be bored if you PULLED THAT FOR NO REASON, TNT!)

I get it. You’re thinking, “Bro, it’s TNT ‘n’ all.” But this summer TV “season” (if we can call it that) is a emm-eff-in’ WASTELAND, guys! I needed something! I thought maybe even TNT could supply it… But alas…

…at least that Taye Diggs smile is workin’.

Final thought: Who’s with me? Yay or nay?

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Alien babe in my belly. Luv u tho. (Photo courtesy CBS)


EXTANT
CBS | Wednesday | 9:00 p.m.

Life is grimmmmmm when you’re harboring an alien baby in your womb, guys! Can you even belieeeve just how south things have turned for poor Molly? As if all of this post-space madness weren’t enough — now she’s ON THE RUN FROM EVERYONE. (Except her husband… Who, aside from his predilection for overlooking Cyborg-Damien’s homicidal tendencies — admittedly a pretty big flaw, I guess — is a REALLY TERRIFICALLY SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND. I mean, that was a lot to process and he performed like a champ!) She also just had the worst birthday party EVER (havin’ blood drawn for your alien baby DNA test is one thing, but seeing your dead husband’s brother having conversations with other guests at the party is a lil’ cuckoo-bananas, girlfriend). So, where do we even go from here?

ALL of the good people are now somehow mega-compromised — the crazy guy is MIA, the doc is in trouble and can’t process the DNA test, and the hub is on the run with Molly because THEIR HOUSE IS UNDER SIEGE. I’m so stressed out that I can hardly type this! They seem to have a real nice group of generic-looking well-to-do pals that can maybe help them through this TRYING TIME, but WHO THE HECK CAN WE EVEN TRUST. I’m scared, guy.s

And seriously, I have zero idea where this show is heading. I assume that eventually Molly will end up soaking her home in water and threatening to electrocute herself if Alien-Johnny Depp takes one step closer to her baby, that is riiiiiight before her motherin’ instincts kick in and she saves herself and the babe(s!) and raises them to be pilots “like their dad.” (No? Nobody else’s watched The Astronaut’s Wife 1,000 times??) BUT REALLY. Is it really a baby? It just looks like some freaky metal rings implanted in there to meeee! I’M BAD AT WATCHING THESE SHOWS. I HAVE TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

And what is gonna happen to Camryn Manheim? And why can’t I get over how much I hate Grace Gummer’s character? And why are SO many people after this poor lay-deeeee and her fam? (IT JUST ISN’T RIGHT.) AND WHEN WILL CYBORG-DAMIEN CRACK? (Pigeon pal, I predict you won’t be the last!)

Final thought: No, really. The slow development of Ethan’s creepiness is what is most upsetting to me. Sorry, Mol. That kid is scarayyy.

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ORBIT FOR KIDS GRAPE

Hellooo, Arctic Grape vibez! Yep, this is our good ol’ pal Ice Breakers Ice Cubes in NORMAL GUM FORM! (<— Not technically.) But with less zing! And less charm! And, well, a lil’ tired at this point…

Wah wah wahhhh.

After the office fad ran aground last year and our taste for Arctic Grape began to fade, I kinda had to give up THE GREAT GRAPE GUM SEARCH altogether. WE COULD NEVER TOP ARCTIC GRAPE! (And by “top,” I really mean find something similar that we LOVED and then needed to spit out no longer than five minutes later, obvs.) Then this wee package of gum found its way into my hands and I became intriiiiiigued.

Sadly, it’s preeeetty typical. Also — big moment here, guys… — is it just me or is Orbit gum, kinda, like, liiiiike, JUST OKAY… all the time? I hate to lump things all together like that, and it seems unfair given that a particular flavor might hold some deliciousness that would supersede the importance of texture/longevity/important-gum-stuff… but… I’ve never really met a pack of Orbit that I couldn’t live without. Know what I’m sayin’?

I do commend Orbit for a line of gum that’s kid-friendly and starts a convo about dental care (<— safe way of saying I’m not sure how much value is in this thing, and even though it’s approved by the American Dental Association, I’m sure that shizz is rigged by advertising dolla signs like e’erything else). And GRAPE is probably way kid-friendly. But as an ADULT who’s HAD BETTER… I just can’t see this thing makin’ its way back into my own personal go-to gum collection. (Which, I can assure you, I DEFINITELY HAVE.)

Flavor Strength: 9
Comments: Totally. Fake-y grape fo’ days.

Flavor Endurance: 5
Comments: In fact, on my first piece I, without thinking, spit this out five minutes into chewing!

Final thought: It WILL, however, hit the gum collection that I keep on the end of my desk for my co-workers…

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But where is your drawing of flowers? Horses? C’MON KID. (Photo courtesy CBS)


EXTANT
CBS | Wednesday | 9:00 p.m.

Anybody else SO SCARED RIGHT NOW? What is happening here? WHAT IS THAT CREEPY THING IN HALLE BERRY’S BELLY? WHY IS EVERYONE GOING CRAZY? And is it just me or is the LITTLE BOY GOING TO SNAP ONE OF THESE DAYS?

Lots of things happening. Too many things? Like, I’m into figuring out the links between Molly and Harmon. I’m lessssss interested in the competitive glance that John’s assistant(?) Julie gave Molly when she was at the lab, you know? Like, I don’t need marital strife to be a thing outside of the fact that THERE IS AN ALIEN (OR NOT?) IN THIS WOMAN’S ABDOMEN.

Tonight we found out that poor Harmon had a similar experience up in space as Molly — instead of a dead husband, this poor guy had his dead mother appear before him as she looked right before she died (and CRAP WAS THAT TERRIFYING). He tried and tried to get away from her, but it wasn’t until he sent her hurtling off into space that he was safe. (OR WAS HE?) Conclusions are made… including one from Cam-Manheim that says that he and Molly have the same neurological who-be-whatties happening in their brains. Molly concludes that they were both subjects of experiments by the space program, presumably to see juuuuust how far someone could be pushed in such extreme circumstances. Then she confronts the mean-looking guy from the space program (Mean-Looking Guy from the Space Program, I should say), and he prooooomises her that he knows nothing. BUT THEN, he goes over to Yasumoto and says that SOMETHING IS UP. THEY MUST CONTAIN THE SITUATION. (Those floating circles in her stomach? I HOPE THAT’S WHAT THEY MEAN.) 

Side note: Yasumoto has a finger-reader thingie that tells him he only has 100(+ ish, details schmetails) days to live. DOES THIS HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE SPACE EXPERIMENTS?

Also, Ethan goes to the Natural History Museum and learns alllllll about extinction and the survival of the fittest from a handy-dandy robot. GEE THANKS! That creep-stare he gave Molly while telling her what he’d learned? That is the key to all of this. Ethan is gonna be runnin’ ish by the time this is all over…

Final thought: Translation — I have ZERO idea what is going on around here. But, like, I also feel like this might be the best/only thing that summer TV has to offer? That is, until Nicole Richie’s show debuts tomorrow?

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Sorry, kid, I can’t even be swayed by your cuteness. (Photo courtesy The CW)


SEED
The CW | Monday | 9:30 p.m.

There is a special place in hell for summer television programming. Not for your Masters of Sexes, Orange is the New Blacks, etc. that simply make their yearly debut ‘round this time. But for that programming deemed unfit for the REST of the year on the major networks, during times in which they’d dump more energy, money and marketing behind them to give ‘em a real shot at MAKING IT. What future does the best summer programming have? If the networks had the foresight to plan like cable does, maybe somethin’. As is, NOTHIN’. As such, it’s a total dumping grounddd. And in the farrrrrest reach of that dumping ground, under a GIANT PILE OF CRAP… is The CW’s attempt at the half-hour sitcom. (To be fair — both of last night’s offerings originally ran in Canada to alleged success.)

I mean, GOOD LORD.

Let’s forget the fact that the 8:30 offering Backpackers was, like, hardly even a TV show, on top of being COMPLETELY devoid of ANYTHING interesting at all. Let’s forget that I got 10 minutes into that and had a total personal crisis (which happens lots this time of year) of DO I NEED TO WATCH THIS TO BLOG ABOUT IT OR CAN I SAVE THESE MOMENTS OF MY LIFE FOR SOMETHING BETTER? (I did the latter, there.)

Let’s focus instead on Seed, a sitcom that gives us a male central character, Don’t Remember His Name, we’ll call him, who gladly donated many-a sperm for some majorly needed $$, only to find somehow that two of the resulting children have reached out to him (within a day of one another because INTERNET). Heavy! But not. Not heavy — totes funny and stupid and AH GEE WHIZ! Not only do these two children latch onto Don’t Remember, a total doofus and not super clever or charming either, but they also completely envelope him into their lives WITHIN SECONDS. (LITERAL SECONDS.) Kid #1 is confessing that kids bully him. Kid #2 asks him to rescue her from a party. And then there are parents — seemingly good ones? — who rattle on about how Don’t Remember is a loser and what-not-why-don’t-their-kids-love-them.

It’s all pretty ABC Family or Nickelodeon. And maybe it’s supposed to be? But, like, give me a re-run of The Vampire Diaries or Reign, guys. Comedy just ain’t your THANG, C-Dubs! This is just too much/AWFUL-SO-AWFUL.

(You thought I forget about the lame and pathetic gay jokes? NOPE. SO MANY REPULSIVE THINGS I CAN’T EVEN DEAL WITH THEM ALL. But, seriously, get a grip, CW!)

Final thought: BUT ALSO — let’s imagine how great this concept for a show COULD have been? Don’t you kind of love this idea? Dangit! Let’s give NBC/ABC/CBS a couple of years to make an “American” version of the original…

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